4U & Yours

Your life has probably been massively impacted by the fast, unexpected change, and there is still uncertainty. Here are four tasks you can do to face and accept the new reality. I'm going to ask you to write things down – ideally on pen and paper, please don't skip this task. By writing things down, it helps to do four things:

• Firstly, it stops thoughts spinning around in your mind – gets them out of your mind and onto paper.
• Secondly, it helps give you psychological distance from the thoughts and that reduces the power the thoughts have over you.
• Thirdly, it will enable you to stand back and ask yourself, "Is that really true? What is the evidence for that? Could that not be true? If I were to dispute that evidence, what different evidence is there?" Basically, you bust any assumptions you are making.
• Fourthly, it helps you stand back, take a different perspective and play with the changes and implications in a constructive way.

These are the four tasks to help you face the new reality:

1. Write down all the things that have had to change and might have to change. Underline or mark with a coloured pen what is within your control
2. Now gently face the implications – write them down.
3. Now challenge from a calm state any assumptions, illogical / irrational thoughts and anything lacking evidence.
4. Give some deep thought about what direction you want to be heading in. You might be tempted to say "go back to normal asap" but can I invite you instead, to find the core of what is important to you, the values that could give you a direction through this mess. To do this, you are going to have to be open, not hold on to what you wanted before the virus crisis and not be rigid about how you used to do what you did. You might have to let go of something that is important to you, but you can still decide upon a direction that is important to you.

There is probably pain, distress and concern within you and all around you. This can bring deep psychological challenges such as worry, rumination, anger, guilt, loneliness and sadness. It is absolutely normal to feel a range of emotions and to feel emotions is actually good, and I'd like to reassure you that your emotions, like your thoughts, will pass. We have thousands of thoughts and scores of emotions every day – just think about how many emotions you have had today already. Here are some ways you can deal with thoughts, emotions and engage with your actions in a mindful manner:

• What emotions or memories or surges are coming up for you? Give names to them but rather than say "I am anxious", say out loud to yourself and others, "I'm noticing that I am having feelings of anxiety." The difference between saying "I am x" and "I am noticing that I am having the feeling of x" is that it allows you some distance from emotion. You can do the same with thoughts. Rather than say, "I'm worried", try saying "I'm noticing that I'm having thoughts of worry". It might seem odd and picky, but believe me, it makes a difference to how you will feel, and that will make a difference to the atmosphere you create around you and to what you do.
• You may want to share your thoughts with your closest trusted friend, colleague or family member. Even if you are the sort of person who normally doesn't share such things, I can tell you that by opening up and disclosing to others, sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings, making yourself vulnerable, you will increase the closeness, deepen the relationship and create trust.
• If your emotions or thoughts are making you uncomfortable, you might try telling yourself that you have been through setbacks, tough times and probably tragedy already in your life and you survived. That kind of affirmation works to quell our nervous system. You could make an affirmation to say to yourself, like "I've been through difficulties before and I survived well" or "I am staying calm because that will help" or "When I notice myself being tense or irritable, I will focus on my breath to calm myself". Here, is a technique for doing just that: focus all your attention on your breath. Follow your breath in and out, don't try to change it, just notice the rise and deflation of your chest, perhaps your belly too; notice the air going in and out through your nose. If you do that for just a few breaths – 4-10 breaths, it will calm your parasympathetic nervous system and actually kick start a whole load of calming chemical reactions in your body. If you like, you can do a 'body scan'. This involves sitting comfortably, straight but without undue strain. Starting at your feet, just notice again, the weight, warmth, position, tension or relaxation and then going all the way through your body slowly over about a minute, to the top of your head. This simple technique of bringing yourself back, bringing your mind in synch with your body, can help you relax and find solace and strength in the middle of all this crisis. On Vimeo, we have two audios for you. One audio is a 7.5 minutes MindCalm sitting, which is mindfulness technique to ground yourself, and reach peace and calm so that you can put your best foot forward. The other audio is a very handy 90 second tool to calm yourself. This will allow you to think before you speak, to avoid a bad habit, and to avoid over-reacting. It will also allow you to access your creativity in solving a problem, access your principles before making a decision and access a calm, collected, confident demeanour.
• Choose something to do that directly moves you in the direction of something you value, something that is important to you, something that will make a difference. This could be something small like tidying up the house, sorting out a cupboard, baking a cake. It could be a small kind act to do something for someone else. Or it could be thinking of a job or career change.
• Plan and have a pleasant and agreeable conversation with someone about something that you both are interested in. It can't be about the virus or the difficulties that have arisen from the virus. It will take some preparation to think – for example, if you choose sport, that might bring up a lot of upset about fixtures cancelled. Prepare and choose a topic you know they like – even do some research on it, for instance, what's happening in the garden at this time of year, or look up to see what theatres, galleries, and museums have online exhibitions or live streaming of shows.
• Whilst there might not be a lot to be appreciative of right now, dig deep and think – what can you be appreciative of? What can you be truly grateful for right now?
• You might want to choose to distract yourself for a while from the impact of the virus and use what we call self-soothing, self-nourishing and self-care activities:
  • Carve out sacrosanct ‘me time’ to play music, exercise, dance, do yoga, have a long bath/shower or anything else that makes you feel good
  • Play games with your friends/family (even virtually)
  • Watch a light entertainment show, comedy series/film on TV, watch a box set
  • Try BBC Sounds app, read a great classical novel, one of the greats
  • If you have a meditation practice, commit to doing more of it. Try RAIN meditation (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture)
  • If you are new to meditation you might want to try apps like 10% Happiness Now, Inside Timer, Calm - but please, note, that sometimes starting meditation in a state of anxiety can make the anxiety worse, so just see how it works for you
  • Try Yoga or Chi Gong - free classes online through a trusted source like Yoga International
  • Try listening to the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron (she is funny and wise) and https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=pema+chodron
  • Take in theatre/art/music through regular or newly set up streaming sites or apps
    • The Royal Opera House
    • Shakespeare
    • Short films of theatre productions
    • Ballet
    • Music
    • Music
    • Rijks Museum in Amsterdam (brilliant app)
    • Art
    • The Louvre
    • Tours

My message is that whilst this is a shock, unnerving, frightening and a worry .... with change can come opportunities – new beliefs, new ways of doing things that you hadn't thought possible, old friendships rekindled, old enemies coming together to help each other and others. This is a seismic shift of how we see the world and our place in it, what we do and how we do it. It is a chance to think, “What do I want to stand for and do for others in the face of this crisis? How do I want to behave towards my loved ones, to my neighbours, to those I don't normally commune with in the locality at this time? What is this giving me.... albeit unexpectedly and albeit with a load of stuff I don’t want, but at the same time, what opportunity is unfolding for me? Who could I collaborate with that is normally outside my social group?"

Some of what we are facing is absolutely not what we want. You may have faced great loss and are mourning. Be kind to yourself and allow others to help you. Some of what we took for granted has gone. You might feel shocked and bereft. We have lost a lot of what we thought made our lives good. It is all right to do less, to process the loss. Some of what we used to do was a result of tradition and we are now being forced to question what we thought was permanent, impossible to change. But again, maybe we can ask ourselves, “Did I really need that? Was it truly making me happy? Was it giving me and others long-term satisfaction?” For sure, some things we used to get worked up about and spent our time doing – shopping for this season’s outfits, our wrinkles, the latest 'kit', now pale rightfully, into insignificance.

For some of us, there will be deep loss, severe anxiety and acute sadness. Be as kind to yourself as you can. Take it easy. This time can be destabilizing so:

• To cope with the uncertainty .... find a couple of solid reliable sources of information (e.g. the World Health Organisation, the BBC, and local Councils); to gather facts that are credible and reliable. Think carefully about who you are listening to and reacting to, say on social media.
• Know and talk about the fact that nothing is permanent. At some point, we are going to go back or move on. As much as this feels difficult, challenging, scary – know and say out loud that we can cope. Our grandparents suffered a world war!
• Try to give the 'not knowing' some space, let there be room for it, don't try to work it all out – it is too complex and too fast-changing. This time of uncertainty can be a useful ‘fallow field’ in the patchwork of our lives.
• Realise that enforced isolation can be a gift – a time, that if you use it wisely, could be special.
• Give yourself the time to reflect on what has been working out for you and what really hasn’t been.
• Give yourself time to re-think, as many alternative options as possible (perhaps with friends/family) for a better life in the future.
• Give yourself time to make decisions to change your life where change has probably been needed but pushed back or pushed away.
• Watch how you are acting – it is from anxiety, fear and worry? Or is it from a place of your values, your principles? How can you keep noticing and making a commitment to yourself to move from a place of ‘as is’ towards what is really important and virtuous?

You can lean back and give yourself some slack. It is not a time to overwork or be hard on yourself. Allow yourself to feel and discuss with others how you are feeling. Take some time off! If you are on the frontline and working crazy hours, do what is absolutely healthy for your body and mind, eat well and rest when you can. The majority of people will be spending more time with family and flatmates than before, having more time to play with the kids, having more time to learn something new. Most people have been overworking and overwhelmed for too long so try to enjoy this change. Without the regime of having to get up to go to work, it is tempting to let go of any routine, but some routine is good for us - around hygiene, getting dressed, breakfast/lunch/dinner routines, some time for play and exercise. Whether you wish to dress with a degree of formality or wear tracksuits is entirely up to you – do what works for you, helps you feel better, and that might change daily.

I'm asking you to be kind to yourself about things not going perfectly. You might be having lots of conference calls with work, or trying to work with the whole family or people you live with in the same room. This is going to require tolerance and flexibility! If it is about young kids coming into the room or a cat climbing over your screen when a conference call is happening, or a baby crying in the next room – just don't get embarrassed, it is normal and you can embrace it. Be tolerant if it happens to others and ease up on judgements about old standards of professionalism when you are all working from home with others.

Watch for any 'catastrophic' thinking – if you find you escalate the problems in your mind, pause and challenge them. Look for the evidence that doesn't support any runaway negative thoughts. A psychotherapist friend of mine tells people their fears are simply False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR). So, gently challenge the evidence around beliefs or fears and you might find that the evidence around them is weak and unfounded or blown out of proportion.

• Consider how you can do things virtually that used to give you pleasure and meaning.
• Keep an eye on your nutrition; it is tempting to snack on unhealthy things when home, keep eating plenty of fruit and vegetables and drink lots of water and eat together with whom you live with.
• Take up a new hobby or learn to improve a current one (there are great free demonstrations on YouTube).
• Ensure the family/friends all take their part in home-making (cooking/cleaning).
• Do a good deed for someone. Here is a website which lists volunteer groups.
• How about finishing off that project you've been postponing (like organising the photos, or sorting out cupboards, doing a clearance).
• If you are lucky enough to live in the countryside and go for a walk or in cities where parks are not closed, pause to enjoy the beauty around you. If you are housebound, find online images or videos of what you consider beautiful e.g. wild animals, landscapes, flowers, etc. I know this might sound a little weird, but trust me and have a go at allowing the sensation of the positive emotion it evokes to filter through, name it and say to yourself, “I feel awe”, or “I feel beauty”, or “I feel peaceful”.

OK, this is a time to pause and think. It is a time to look at the choices you have been making lately and the choices you can take for the future. Ask yourself if they are based on the core of what is important to you. Whilst you are self-isolating or made to be at home, it is an opportunity – a chance to step off, step back and give yourself that long overdue time to review your life a bit. Your view of success and wellbeing has likely changed from what it was before the virus. Now it is time to face those wishes, that inner dream, that inner drive and talent that might have been ignored in the day-to-day endless work routines. Consider what you've been doing and what, where, and with whom you really want; what you are being called to do; and who you could be collaborating with in the future.

• What is the bigger dream you have inside of you that you have ignored?
• What hasn't been right or good that you could now work on?
• What would you love to do?
• What are you being called to do?
• Looking back at this time from the future, what would you like to have drawn from it?
• What goals could you make to bring more happiness and fulfilment into your life?
• What do you bring with your unique mix of character, personality, strengths, knowledge, abilities that you could offer to someone? How could you network with the right people to see what opportunities there might be?
• What change do you want to be part of? Where would you like to add some difference?
• What can you offer the world - what are you good at? Why don't you go back over your life and name up to 50 things you can do, know and have experienced and then notice how that affects your confidence?
• What could you learn to be great at if you put in more concerted effort? What has changed in your field of work and how could you keep up to date, be helpful, be useful?
• What limiting self-beliefs have held you back and how could you prove they are irrational and illogical?
• What goals, plans, lifestyle would be ideal – given that the world is learning whole new ways of working, what now might be possible that wasn't possible before?

We are social animals, and all of us need good social interaction that brings fun, laughter, a sense of belonging and love. During this unprecedented time, real and deep contact with people is even more important. Often, we take people for granted or ignore them when we are going out to work or are just busy on our day-to-day tasks. This unique period of time is mad, seemingly bad – but it is special. Use it to improve your success and wellbeing with and through others. Here are some tips and ideas:

• Show tolerance to people – it is not a time to criticise, to be intolerant or become irritable and blame others; it is a time to be flexible and kind.
• Ask the family or people you live with what roles you are going to take up to live together co-operatively and for each to pull their weight: how you are going to work in the same place well, how you will share the shopping, cooking, cleaning and play together.
• Actively express your sympathy to those who have been adversely affected.
• Show gratitude to those who are working to help – medics, grocery shop keepers, the military, etc.
• Recognise we are all in this together and be sure to counteract any hateful speech and perhaps take action in a way you haven't before to help people who don't have the same advantages as you have.
• Invite a discussion about what makes a good life.
• Get in touch with friends you haven't spoken to for a while.
• Get back in contact with those you miss. Ideally via a video call.
• It is a good time to get closer to a few people - find out their hopes, their fears (not about the virus but about their lives), their challenges, the things that are important to them?
• As we feel out of control, do something practical like making cards with the family/friends to send to people they are concerned about the most.
• How could you show your loved ones more attention and be a little more energetic and enthusiastic for what they are interested in?
• What acts of kindness could you plan to do every day for the next month?
• Help any under 5's set up for success by using a technique called HALTING. If you see them behaving not as you want, HALT what you are doing to ask, "Are they Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired" and deal with that, rather than tell them off.
• Help any teens find fun things they can do to connect with their friends – like watch the same film at the same time or have dinner together chatting online at the same time or dance to the same music together, virtually.
• If you have children at home who now need to home-school, be absolutely sure they have structure and clear boundaries between three things: work and play and rest times and keep them in hour long or 90-minute slots.

Your friends’, colleagues’ and family's lives have probably been impacted in ways that you know and in ways that you don’t know. We never know all the hopes and expectations people have and when their hopes are delayed, damaged, doomed, we do not know how they feel and think. The only way to have some idea is to ask them plainly, sensitively, softly, and then be quiet and listen with full attention, an open heart and open mind as much as possible.

Note please: at first, do not try to make them feel better, do not react other than with silent full-on attention, do not try to offer help or dismiss what they say as foolish. Just listen at this stage. We are going to follow a mnemonic for the conversation called R.E.A.P. R stands for Reality, E for Emotions, A for Acceptance and P for Possibilities. It is different to the normal coaching models which often start with goals because, in this very uncertain and frightening time, it is not the time to focus on fixed goals.

• Ask them, “How has your life changed and how do you think it will change?” All you are doing after asking this question is listening very carefully and watching them.
• What and who are you worried about? Again, just listen, nothing more. Make sure you are facing them with your whole body and maybe nod in recognition of your listening.
• “What else do you think, feel or want to say about that?” Note: we know you will be SO tempted to try to dispel any unrealistic fears and try to make them feel better but don't. At this stage, just give your undivided attention – listen with warmth and calmness.

  Now if they say, “I'm fine!” or “great!” you might be right in thinking they are hiding their pain, but just maybe they are feeling fine. So, enquire with: “I’m interested in how you are fine/great….. Tell me more”.

  If it is genuine, they might explain good reasons why and how they are feeling that way. If they waffle, I’d be inclined to think they are trying to sound strong when underneath they are not. So, in that case say: “I’m feeling worried, a bit down, a bit anxious (or however you are feeling). How else are you feeling?”

• Then ask, “What will be the repercussions of those things, do you think?” Now, you can show you have listened, by just softly repeating back the very words they said to you – using their words showed you listened well. It is essential that you don’t try to ease their pain at this stage. Just re-iterate their words.
• What are your fears? And, you are getting the hang of it by now….. Just be quiet, do not tell them that their fears are illogical, do not fill in quiet spaces with words or make jokes.
• What are your particular difficulties and what are you finding hard? Wait for them to answer. If they don’t answer, just ask the very same thing again – lightly, softly, slowly. Then you can say something like “It’s good you recognise that and are able to tell me. It is quite normal for you to feel that way. It is going to be tough for a while, but we can still have our moments of happiness because worrying/being upset all the time isn’t going to help anything, is it?”
• What would you like to happen? They will probably say everything to go back 'to normal' as soon as possible....
• What would you like to happen that might even be a good thing? What changes have arisen out of the virus crisis that could be or are good, and that you would like to keep in your life when the crisis ends? Listen and be prepared to be surprised.
• What do you like about what is happening? What has surprised you and brought good/fun things into your life that you were not expecting? Join in their pleasure and acknowledge it with enthusiasm.

So, at this stage, you know their Reality – their thoughts and feelings.

That is good.

Now that you know their thoughts and feelings, you could acknowledge what you heard, ask them for their ideas, and then share with them your ideas / what you know works for others.

• Thank them for sharing. Say you will hold what they said in confidence (and then do so)
• Ask them what their emotions make them feel like doing or not doing.
• Take them through a focused breathing exercise. You can do this together whilst watching an app or YouTube video. It would be great if you could find someone they know, love, like, or respect who does meditation (for example google, "What runner/musician/dancer/artist/mathematician/astronomer/astronaut etc. does meditation"). If you are new to meditation you might want to try apps like 10% Happiness Now, Inside Timer, Calm or Headspace. One word of caution: never force meditation on someone and if they don't respond well, let it go because for some people, particularly those in the middle of high anxiety, might get a counter-reaction.
• Find out what they consider important in their lives, things like their values, their preferences, virtues. Then ask them what they could do, that will move them in the direction of something they value, something that is important to them, something that will make a difference. Throw ideas around together and see which one they pick up and maybe offer to do it with them or ask who else would be better to do it with.
• Go out of your way to bring up a conversation around something nice that you know they are interested in. This might take a little research but for instance, if they like art, music, photography, nature – google national websites because many museums are putting on streaming services you could watch and discuss with them. The idea is to let their minds be occupied for a while on something nice, beautiful, good.
• Help them recognise what they can be appreciative of right now. They might be moody or dismiss you but dig a bit – ask them "What ARE and CAN you be appreciative of?" Maybe the whole family could do this, or a group of friends could do this every day over dinner or a virtual dinner?
• Invite them to share a fun activity – perhaps put on the same music together as you talk or do an exercise class online together and stream each other doing it or learn something together.
• See what they can do to carve out time for themselves to do something that would nourish them – what is it they like that they could ensure they plan into their diary and make sure everyone in the house knows this is what they are going to do. If they live alone, perhaps you could book a regular time to connect and encourage them to do the same with other friends/family.

When your loved ones are faced with a shock or some horrible news they weren’t expecting and at the same time they are worried about the people they care for, they can, just like the rest of us, start to think things are going to spiral out of control and get worse. Here are some ideas to help people see the positives, the potential and possibilities for themselves:

• You can reassure them of the positive facts – i.e. very gently dispute illogical or irrational facts or exaggerated negatives where the facts lack evidence. Find out and remind them what is moving in the right direction and give some positive stories and avenues of hope.
• Help them see what they can do and how they are spending their time. All they can do is manage their behaviour (and that will help their mind). I'd go after making sure they were taking positive actions every day (rather than trying to make them feel better first in the hope they would then take positive actions). The good feelings can follow the behaviour at times like these. Help them keep some structure around work, hobby, fun, exercise and rest.
• Have a discussion with them about what was working for them before and, actually, what wasn't. Sometimes we all let years go by without really facing what isn't working well for us; this is an opportunity to take time to really see what isn't working and do something about it and what is working and see if we can do more of it. Maybe they had a job making money but the pay wasn't good, or the prospects weren't good, or the pay was good but they did too long hours and had a long commute.
• Then move to a discussion that in this turmoil and change, there might be some parts they can find that are good and helpful for themselves. Maybe there were things that they had hoped for or hadn’t even dreamed possible, that are starting to open up or happen. Maybe what they thought was static and fixed actually isn’t any longer, and new ways of working have been set up – so there could be room for opportunities emerging. Have a little brainstorm with them about what changes they would like from this (that can’t be about going back; they have to be creative ideas about how things could be different and better). What might b possible that they would really like?
• Have them make a few goals or at least ‘options to explore’ whilst they have the time – things that could take them toward an even better life that meets their needs and values. Find out what they would really love to do and help them find information around that idea.

Some of your friends, colleagues and family might have to overwork if they are caring for others in this virus. Just encourage them to rest, eat well and not to over-volunteer because they need to be at their best and their best won’t appear if they are worn out.

Some of your friends, colleagues and family might become despondent easily, lie in bed, watch too much TV, play games on their own, appear deflated. They might lose confidence. Or they might blame others and criticise a lot. All of this is difficult to live with/watch in those we care about. So, you have to step in and change that situation. Allow them some time of chilling, ranting or whatever, because all of us need some processing time. But don’t let it become a bad habit and their state of mind decline.

Help them:

• Keep good hygiene habits – sharing in keeping the house clean, themselves clean.
• Encourage them to take exercise with you – that might be a walk outside if you can otherwise it could be joining in an online exercise class.
• Listen out for any negative thinking. Call it out. Help them look, with you, for the evidence that shows that thinking is not wholly true and find other evidence to show the opposite is true. Try to find the positives in the situation.
• Have discussions about what they are eating: junk food at times like this will deplete their energy.
• Take up a new hobby with them.
• See if you can do a good deed for a neighbour or the community together.
• Help them finish off a project they’ve been postponing
• Show you love them by doing something for them that encourages their self-care.

How long has it been since you asked about your family's or colleagues' or friends' wishes, work/career hopes, concerns about work and how they use their time? This is a good time to understand them more and see if you can support them in any way.

Try asking / discussing with them:

• As the world has changed so much, what could be possible for you that wasn’t possible before?
• What hasn't been right or good that you could now work on or consider letting go of?
• How many moments of real happiness had you had lately, and how can this be an opportunity to have more?
• What would fulfil you in life? How fulfilled are you? How can you use this time to plan?
• To what extent are you living the values you hold dear? How can this change?
• What change do you want to be part of? Where could you add some difference?
• Let me tell you 10 things I admire, respect, rate about you and you can do the same to me! (You could involve a group to do this)
• What could you be brilliant at if you learned a bit more or made more concerted effort?
• What could you learn / to do in this crazy period of time that would enable you to step back into life when it resumes as ‘normal’ ahead of the game?
• What assumptions are you making about things you can’t do?
• What goals could you revisit or create that the changes could make possible?

All of us need to feel valued, loved and that we belong. Think of each member of your friends, colleagues and family and consider what you could be doing to show you value them, that they are loved and that they belong. Each of us feels loved in different ways – check they get and want the way you are showing love. For instance, one of you might cook to show you love and care for the other, but the other person just wants conversation and isn't bothered about what they eat! There are many things that can negatively impact the mental health of others. All of us need some work, play, recreation and exercise. Below, I’ve outlined a few things that we can all check against, to make sure we are not doing things that are creating a mental health problem for someone else. Check that you are not:

• Pushing our ideas of success onto them or being over-controlling. Why are they doing what they are doing – have you asked that? What freedom do you need to give them?
• Avoiding talking about mental ill-health because it feels awkward; instead, talk to them about what behaviour you are noticing that concerns you.
• Being uncommunicative. Make an effort to show full attention – face them with your body, stop what you are doing and give 100% attention, look at them in the face – every time you want to speak to someone and when they speak to you. Play with listening 30% more. Play with gently expressing your feelings more.
• Being impatient or intolerant. Living in close proximity and then having to work in close proximity when you are not used to it can be a big problem unless it is discussed: how is this going to work for all parties, what do they need, what do you need, what would be nice? What would it be like if you were 20% more compassionate? 20% more caring? 20% more flexible? 20% more tolerant? Is it worth a try and find out what happens? How can you work out a way to give each other the space you need?
• Blaming others and moaning and criticising. You might not even be aware of it, so the only way to find out is to ask your family and friends if they find you criticise or blame or moan a lot. Ask them how it affects them. Ask them what they would prefer.
• Not delivering on our promises. If you are not reliable you will lose your friends and even your family. Step up your discipline to only make promises you can keep.
• Not supporting others and not challenging others when they need to be challenged. Rather than say "do you want any support from me?" it is better to frame it "What support do you want from me? And, what challenge do you want from me?" Maybe you have family and friends who do things you think are not good for them or others, but you don't know how to say – so contract with them to have that conversation. Simply ask them, "If I see something that I believe you are doing that isn't going to be good for you, can I bring it up?"

If you have been guilty of these, how can you apologize? How can you do better?

At the same time, the people make the organisation and the people have all been massively affected by changes in their private lives. They are likely to consumed with worry, guilt, displeasure, anger, confusion, even, despair. Morale is a peculiar thing: when you have it, it drives energy, ideas, sharing of information, engagement and innovation. When you haven’t got it, productivity, stagnation and often dispelling occurs. So, what can you do? How you treat everyone at this time will live in the air for years and become part of the myths of the culture. Make sure they are inspiring stories. Try these ideas:

• Get together and share your feelings – bring them into the room (virtually or otherwise) and just let them be heard (you don’t have to analyse them, cure them or do anything other than recognise them).
• Explore the 'not knowing' space – don’t rush. I know that is hard because in anxiety we rush, but don’t rush, step back and pause…… what is emerging as a potential new focus?
• Dare to ask people to be brutally honest – what really hasn’t been working well for them and use that information to create a new alternative.
• Broaden the group that normally adds to discussions and decisions – let all ranks in, let departments/disciplines mix up and see what they come up with that is new, different.
• Reassure where you can – having done your homework on the help the government is giving to help you keep your organisation and people afloat.
• Be honest and share vital information – treat your workforce as adults, in this together.
• Let your people know you appreciate their flexibility and effort.
• Know about and promote crisis-centres where people can go if they develop undue anxiety or depression – professional health workers.
• Ask for ideas on what they've heard others do to keep up energy, focus, engagement, belonging and morale.
• Ensure that people are doing the best for their wellbeing – have social check-ins, play games for 10-minute breaks together, share lunchtimes, go on conference call walks (if you are still permitted), ask how people are, offer them online training or coaching or mentoring.

Even if parts of your business are going well, there might be parts that seem irrelevant and not critical right now. How you handle this is important. People do not want to be told they are irrelevant, so consider how you can handle this with the utmost sensitivity.

• Prepare yourself, the team/organisation for a radical rethink and change of vision and mission.
• Gather everyone's views on threats (ask friends if you are a sole trader).
• Gather everyone's views on where the organisation is weak or vulnerable (ask friends or suppliers or family members if you are a sole trader).
• Rank the threats in order so that you protect what you need to protect.
• What strengths do you have in the business to minimize threats? Do an exercise to find the real strengths (not an online version but try this one). Often, we just don't know the hidden experiences, knowledge, skills in the people we have worked with for years. The ONLY way is to do this activity yourself and then ask everyone who works in the organisation to take time out to do this:

1. Tear up some paper sheets into cards – the size of a pack of cards. You will need about 100 per person.
2. Please write your greatest experiences/accomplishments/achievements on your cards. One experience/accomplishment/achievement per card, please. Try to generate at least 40 experiences/accomplishments/achievements, ideally 100. It might seem a lot but keep going and don’t over-analyse whether it was a ‘good enough’.
3. Lay out all your cards on a table or on the floor. For each card, think about the top ‘qualities’ or strengths (character traits, knowledge, skills, attitude, mindset and intelligence) you employed to reach the experience/accomplishment/achievement.
4. Now, on the back of the cards, record each strength. Add extra cards, if there was more than one main strength that enabled you to accomplish that experience/accomplishment/achievement.
5. Group the cards into meaningful clusters, then name the cluster. For instance, if you have words like determination, grit, persistence, effort, hard work, conscientiousness in one cluster, you might want to title the cluster ‘persistence’. Gather the cards under the cluster titles, so all that is showing will be the cluster titles. Try to make no more than 9 clusters.
6. Rank the clustered groups, with the strongest at Number 1. Within each cluster, highlight the strongest strengths in that cluster. Isolate the top 3 to 5 strengths using the cluster titles. These are your super-strengths.
7. Now come together (probably virtually) and share all your team's or department’s, or even the company's, experiences/accomplishments/achievements and see what an interesting bunch of people you are.
8. Then finally, share all your team's or department’s, or even the company's, 'super-strengths' and then cluster them, rank them, and find the top 5 strengths you have as a team. Consider what you could do with that power! Celebrate and get thinking about what is possible for you all to achieve together and to contribute to others.
9. Ask, with the power in these strengths – what could we do to overcome threats and eliminate weaknesses? What could we do to rethink how we could better serve the world? What now should be our purpose and vision?
10. Keep a record of the achievements and strengths.

It might be that your organisation, company or charity is very much in need right now. It might also be that you need to take a hard look at what you do and ask, "Is this what the world needs or wants right now?" If not, what resources (people, skills, knowledge, buildings, assets) do you have that could be used for a better purpose? What parts of your work or the organisation could stop doing what isn’t vital and how could you reallocate time, effort, cash onto what is needed, what will help the organisation to survive and be of great service to the world? What in your heart and soul isn’t right about what your organisation does or the way it does it?

You need to be looking at your products, services, structure, vision, mission and even purpose - to see if they are fit for this time. What assumptions and beliefs have you held as a sole trader or as an organisation that need re-thinking, perhaps have needed rethinking for a while, but now, during this crisis, they become even more apparent? What was unthinkable before and yet now actually seems a possibility?

No doubt ‘Business As Usual’ is out of the window. It is chaos; it is a crisis. It is like a war. During a real war, the Commander finds somewhere to go, to think, to reflect and to review. They might keep the same mission – but consider all the different ways of achieving it that hadn’t been thought through before. Or they might consider asking up, if it is a time to change the mission. If your view of success and wellbeing hasn’t changed from what it was before the virus, something is wrong.

• Collate views on what you do and whether the world needs more of that right now. If so, does it need all parts?
• Consider the egos and behaviours – what is it time to call a halt to?
• Brainstorm with everyone in the organisation – include as much diversity in age, gender, culture, neurodiversity and rank as possible and as many as possible to:
  • generate ideas on what you can be doing to solve problems
  • create new avenues of income
  • help the world given your knowledge, skills, buildings, assets
  • determine what change you want to be part of
  • identify what could change so that you'd all be really proud to belong to this amazing organisation
  • recognise who else could help you, who could you partner with or network with
  • remove obstacles quickly
  • test small – "fail fast" – reiterate – test again.
• If your organisation is in demand right now, check you are not being greedy – recognise that your customers and their customers are being squeezed (no-one will like anyone trying to get rich on other people’s misfortunes).

The military have long learned that making plans is a useful exercise because it helps you think about your intended actions and think through contingencies too – but they hardly ever expect the plan to be executed as laid out(!). That isn't because they plan badly, but because they are clever and have learned that trying to stick to plans in a situation that is volatile, uncertain, full of ambiguity and complexity is daft. They believe in hope and optimism. Hope is good, but it needs a plan. And plans need to be agile.

So, learn from them. Make robust plans that meet the SMART mnemonic below, have the implications thought through, have contingencies – but be prepared to be swift on your feet and change them according to changing circumstances.

What you took for granted has gone. How can you turn this situation from a freefall into something you can salvage? Can you even make it positive, if not in all ways, in some ways important to you? Given what you now know and what is emerging, what plans can you make that leads to financial success and the wellbeing of your people, stakeholders and the communities you serve? Check that your plans meet all the perimeters in this extended version of S.M.A.R.T. goals:

• S - specific, significant, serious, stretching
• M - measurable, meaningful, motivational
• A - attainable, achievable, appetite, agreed, aligned
• R - relevant, reasonable, rewarding
• T - time-bound, timely?

There has been far too much overwork in the past and if any good can come out of the virus crisis, then it will be for a proper and total rethink on how we all have been spending our lives, how we have been using people, paying (or unpaying) them, how we have been abusing resources and the planet.

It is not a time to overwork, to criticize or blame others. Where you see others doing it, call it out. There will be some industries working flat out – like medics, certain food manufacturers, supermarkets and delivery networks but, even so, please don't run them to the ground. People must have adequate nutrition, breaks and sleep to perform well. They can only be worked very long hours without breaks for a few days before they make mistakes, sometimes big ones, with horrible consequences. If you are leading them or managing them, take accountability – ensure they are having breaks even if it just to ensure they work well on their next important task.

Have a new absolute motto of looking out for and looking after each other.

These changes are going to require patience and tolerance when people are frustrated or angry or anxious. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others. No other behaviour should be allowed. If you have role-models, i.e. senior owners/leaders who behave otherwise, call them out. If you are the leader or owner, it is vital you exercise enormous self-care and self-discipline to be a role-model.

• Check in with people and ask them to be honest – try some coaching techniques like asking people to give three words about how they are feeling.
• Praise any work done – these are difficult times, and it is vital you show your gratitude for their focus and effort.
• Bring in some light relief. Watch a short comedy sketch together – you know the military have a deep sense of humour and I'm told it keeps them going through very tough times. What can you do to keep a sense of perspective and humour?
• What can you do easily that won’t cost anything but would help a colleague or partner out?
• If people don’t have enough work, have a brainstorm of all the unfinished or put-off projects and get them working on that or to co-create some possible new avenue of work.
• Ask each other “Who could help us?”
• Pause to enjoy the wins and the good work you are doing.
• Keep in touch with home workers regularly – just to check in and give updates, be social (set up fun games – ask people to contribute ideas) and do ask after their nearest and dearest.
• At work, keep a good eye on working conditions and offer unusually good nutrition, keep your workforce alert by offering lots of water, fruit, vegetable snacks, and if you can, healthy meals. Avoid alcohol as a release of tension, instead, share feelings and give recognition.

Companies can do a lot to help people feel confident and creative – just as they can damage their self-confidence and close up their innovation. It is time to listen to your people:

• Encourage people to share their health efforts during this time.
• Make time and space to ask people to share how they really are and to talk about mental health.
• Ask your people, customers, suppliers what they value now (and what they don't need).
• Find out what lifestyle people really want.
• Find out what motivates your people about their work and this company.
• Find out what they need to learn to be better, swifter, more efficient and more effective and go half-way: you pay half, they pay half.
• Ask people what they would find as a good ‘reward’ for effort (other than money.)
• Make time to thank properly (eyeball to eyeball, slowly – through virtual channels) and celebrate successes.

Some in the community may show you their pain readily, others will hide it. Behind the mask, the persona, people wear lies a lot of pain, suffering, worry, depression, anxiety even possibly despair. Everyone you know has been impacted by the fast, unwanted, unexpected change, and there is still a lot of uncertainty. It is devastating for some. People might not voluntarily tell you all the problems they are facing, as people don't want to burden you, they might be proud, they might be very private. My request, therefore, is that you are softer, kinder, more tolerant and open than you ever have been before. What is being called of you is to help your fellow compatriots, and more, to reach out via the internet to see how you can help others in distant lands.

Just by paying witness to, listening to and caring about their pain, distress, worry, rumination, anger, guilt, loneliness and sadness will be good. You need not let it overwhelm you though – make sure you have support, don't let people become dependent on you, make sure you get away from the problem too, lest you also become a casualty.

• Find a group that at you feel most affiliated with and want to help.
• Find out what their new or exacerbated problems are. Keep asking how they are and dig if you think they are being polite and masking their difficulties.
• Help people face the brutal facts and to be realistic. Try and help them see this need not be the end. They have probably had survival issues in the past, and they got through them. Keep asking them to notice, name and acknowledge what is going all right, what is salvaged, what is still working?
• Don't assume what they need – Ask them what kind of help would be most needed and what would just be appreciated.
• Consider what you have that might help them – your kind words, your time, your knowledge, your expertise, your possessions, your money.
• Think about people you know, or their friends and associates, and see if they too might be prepared to help.
• With a friend, search around online and via your networks about the art of the possible in helping meet their needs.
• See if you can gather some of your friends and family to join you.

People won't come knocking on your door for help; you have to be proactive, reach out and ask, offer support and make invites. Maybe you volunteer in the community already, but the virus might have changed the way you do that, or you might want to do more. If you don't volunteer already, it is time to start! Life has changed and just working for yourself and your family is no longer seen as being a good citizen (if it ever was). You might have been waiting until you retired, or made your millions; don't wait, the time is now. Volunteering virtually, online, is something you can do at the time and pace that works for you. Some volunteer roles may require training, but others could take advantage of your knowledge, experience and skills right away. There is no excuse, this is the time, the world needs you. Here are some ideas to reach out.

Look online for volunteer groups already set up that you could join:

• The national website for volunteering
• A charity of lots of different volunteering projects
• Helping others with practical skills
• Volunteering projects throughout Europe, many online
• The Trussell Trust has lots of openings for volunteers like this - find a foodbank
• A specific volunteer site has been quickly set up called
• To help the aged here are a few
  • https://www.fote.org.uk/our-charity-work/befriending/
  • https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/
  • https://www.casseroleclub.com/

• And there is

  • Volunteering England, Volunteer Scotland, Volunteering Wales, Jersey Charities, Guernsey Charities, or Volunteering Matters
  • https://www.ageuk.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer/local-services-volunteer/

After the shock, the change – however unwanted – opportunities do emerge. This isn’t to belittle the horrible things that happened in the change. It isn’t either to belittle the opportunities because they too are real. It is to try to treat with as much equanimity as you can muster.

Opportunities take many forms. Some might be a renewed sense in people’s kindness, a softening of hatred between enemies, old beliefs that were not kind or serving people replaced by new beliefs that are more helpful and benevolent. Old ways of doing things, thinking about things, have been changed by the way society is responding to the virus. Some things that we thought were not possible are emerging as real possibilities, and some old traditions or ways of doing things will die. Change brings anxiety. Know there is support for you and letting others know there is support for them is vital. Letting your community and society know that you care, that there are others who care, and even groups who would welcome them and help them – this might be all it takes to save lives.

• Be kind to yourself and super-kind to others as you learn to accept the upheaval, vacuum and change.
• See how you and others can use the time or reframe the change positively. What does it allow you and others to do (particularly something that of value) that the old situation did not?
• Keep your spirits up and be ready to laugh, to add humour.
• Know, and help others see, that the situation is not pervasive – it is not going to determine everything!
• Understand too, and help others understand, that the bad changes are not permanent, things always morph, unfold, change – it is not the end, even if some things have to take a different shape; nothing is permanent.
• Take some solace in knowing it has affected the whole world and the whole world is in it together.

It is time to let go of any animosity within the community or society, between countries and religions. The time is to look for ways you can help each other. Through this benevolence, will come understanding, bonding, friendships and break down barriers and misunderstandings and hopefully, old grudges.

• Find your tribe and ask in what ways you can support each other.
• Hand on heart, what have you contributed to the success of others lately? Hand on heart, what have you contributed to the happiness of others in your community lately? Find out what you can do to help people who don't have your privileges.
• Cross boundaries – go and help the kind of people you don't normally interact with in some way that is safe and allowed.
• Look for FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real – for instance when people have black and white thinking, or they are exaggerating the problems and gently help them challenge their thinking by looking for the truth in their statement and also looking for the truth in an alternative point of view.
• Encourage everyone to take exercise.
• Don’t encourage, in any way, recourse to drugs or alcohol.
• Join forces not just on serious things but form friendships around hobbies and interests.
• Get together with others to see what you can offer up to the community for free, not volunteering as such, but offering what you have up for free.
• Be sure to keep having fun, even virtually. People are being really creative by having games nights or dinner parties virtually!
• Share responsibilities and give everyone a chance to run the support group as they wish on a rota.

Asking about the kind of society we want to build isn't something we usually do. We comment on it a lot. Criticize and blame others a lot. What does it mean to you? Is it where everyone has free education, free welfare, free healthcare, a home, enough food, an equal path to success? Is that too much to dare to dream? What would be your 'realistic aim'? Don't reiterate what you've said before! Life has changed! There was a lot right but an awful lot wrong with society before the virus (BTV). What now ATV (After The Virus) can you dare to hope for, find courage to say, make an effort to join with others and change?

Originally, we all come from the same stock and yet we have built many barriers between us. During this unprecedented time, getting back to communal co-operative animals is The Opportunity. Away from our ‘Business As Usual’ lifestyles, we have this unique opportunity to improve the success and wellbeing of every person we can reach. Here are some ideas to honour our common humanity and use this time to create a better society for all:

• Behind all religions often are the same values of kindness, honesty, sexual fidelity, compassion and virtues of friendliness, loyalty, patience – what are your ideas and what actions have you taken to join religions to share those values/virtues?
• What skills do you have that someone in a different country could learn from you?
• What sort of society do you want to live in – and crucially, what effort and time have you put into that?
• What does society need that you have plenty of and could share in some way?
• What limiting self-beliefs have held this society back, and how could you join forces with others to make change by proving they are irrational and illogical?
• Who is motivated to help you set and test goals, make plans and to see them through?
• Given that the world is learning whole new ways of being, what now might be possible that wasn't possible before and what part could you plan to play?

Take our aim to enable success and wellbeing – that is a sense of purpose, meaning, happiness, satisfaction, contentment, mental/emotional and physical health. Now, imagine what you can commit to doing to enable the success and wellbeing of yourself, your family, your colleagues, your organisation, your community, society and the planet. Yes, imagine you dare to, take the time to, commit your time, money, skills, assets to. What would you like to do? What could you achieve? Would it be worth it?

• What could you do to play your part in generating less inequity in society?
• What part could you play in a society where people co-operated more readily?
• Is there a network of like-minded people you could join around the world who shares your views?
• What do you want to change about yourself so that you are more of a force for good in the world in the future?
• What could you do, given your unique knowledge, skills, experience and character to contribute more to the kind of society you want to help create?
• What plans are you going to commit to make?
• What joy would it bring to you to contribute to a society you love?
• How can you realistically fit all this in with your other goals and commitments – what needs reviewing, rethinking, letting go of?
• How can you hold yourself to account?
• How can you join forces with others to hold each other to account?